Finally Getting Fit

True Confessions Tuesday

Posted on: October 19, 2010

True Confessions

Happy birthday baby boy.

Yeah, I know. But you’ll always be my baby boy no matter how old you are.

 

On Sunday I wrote my Exposed Movement post.  It’s not so hard to talk about my body. It’s just a body.

What’s harder to like and love the person inside.

I’ve made so many mistakes. There are so many things I wish I could go back and undo. Words that I want to un-say. Hugs that I need to give.  Words that I didn’t say that I need to say. I hope you don’t remember half the things that I said or did. But I bet you do. And let me tell you, you can’t dislike me more that I dislike myself.

I wanted to be perfect. I had these visions of what I would be like as a mom… I was too young and stupid to realize that the way a mom mothers depends on the kids personalities. I didn’t want to bend. I wanted everything to be the way it was in my head. Perfect. And it could have been, if I would have only bent a little. I was too hard at all the wrong times.

But it’s all too late and I find it so hard to truly forgive myself. I feel like I let you down. If only I had been a better mom, a better listener… I didn’t know what to do or what you needed. I still look back on that knowing that I should have done something different and still I do not know what I could have or should have done.

And I regularly beat myself up over that.

Have I done irreparable damage to you and your sister?

I hope not.

So my confession today is that it’s hard for me to love the person in this body. I have to fight the repulsion and the despair and the hate almost every day. Some days are better than others. When I can look at the accomplishments of the body it’s easy to push back the failures of the mom.  But they are always there… lurking and peeking out to find just the right moment to jump out and ambush me.

I love you my sweet baby boy/man. With all my heart and all my soul.  And I have never and will never ever give up on you.

 

 

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1 Response to "True Confessions Tuesday"

I want to hug you! As a mother I have those same feelings! He loves you and all those mistakes and victories is what made him into the great person he is today. Be proud! Love ya!

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Debra ~ Getting healthy from the inside out.

The Starting Line

November 2, 2009 Weight: 202.6 lbs BMI 37.28

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