Finally Getting Fit

To Be or Not to Be

Posted on: June 13, 2010

There are days when I just do not want to be.  If there was a big hole I’d crawl into and disappear forever.

There are days when I feel like a complete failure. As a woman. As a mother. As a wife. As a daughter.

Failure = me.

There are days when I know that whatever I have planned. Whatever I say. Whatever I do. Whatever I feel. Will be wrong.

There are days when I know that nearly everything I have done is wrong. That I am everything that is wrong.

These are the days that I fantasize about not being.

A tree. A bridge. Something quick. Because I’m a wimp. Something painless because I don’t like pain.

I’ll never do it. I believe it is the ultimate act of selfishness.  I do not want my final act to be something else that is wrong. That will cause more grief and pain to the people I love. So I am stuck. With this blanket of despair and this stabbing pain in my heart. Knowing that I will always be inadequate.  That I have failed to live up to expectations. That I caused pain. That I ruined everything.

This is when I turn to food. Food doesn’t judge me. It doesn’t want an explanation. It doesn’t try to read between the lines of what I say.  It doesn’t hear things that I don’t say or take words I say and twist them into something they are not.  It doesn’t accuse. It doesn’t subjugate.  It is simply there for me to drown in. To savor. To consume. It gives me something else to think about instead of the wrongness that is me.

Today I am not turning to food. I do not want to. I don’t know what I will do. Wallow in this self-pity?

I hate feeling like this. I hate being misunderstood. I hate not knowing what I’m supposed to do or what I’m supposed to say to make it all better.  I wish I could just dissolve and take all references of me away so that others wouldn’t have to be reminded of what I am.

Would they be better off without me? They wouldn’t be worse off without me.

I love my kids. I have failed them too. They don’t deserve a bat-crazy mom. I wish I could roll back the clock and do it all over again. Correct all the horrible mistakes I made. Show them how important they are.  Now they are grown. About to go out on their own. It’s too late. It’s too late.  All I can say is that I tried. I tried to give all I had. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. I didn’t know and now it’s too late. I would take it all back it I could. All the hurt. All the pain. All the mistakes.

I keep making them.

Over.

And Over.

And Over again.

This will pass. But the layers are building. How long can it last? How many layers does it take before it can’t take anymore. Before I can’t take anymore.

Today will be hard. Tomorrow will be easier. But the pain and guilt and hate will be just below the surface waiting for the crack to widen.

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4 Responses to "To Be or Not to Be"

Wow, Debra, I have to say that there are so many times when I could have written this exact same post. Exact. Feeling like a failure as a mom/wife/whatever. Wishing I just didn’t exist, imagining scenarios, but knowing I would never do anything in that regard, because as horrible as I felt, I knew there were people who loved me, people who would experience pain because of an act like that. Recognizing that my despair was a passing phenomenon, and that as bad as it was, it would get better. And it has.

I could give you advice that you’ve heard before–see a counselor, get meds, and these are good advice, which is why they are so often repeated. For me what has worked best is to work really hard when times are good to banish those defeatist thoughts, to eliminate sources of unhappiness from my life (a big one for me was religion, but I won’t get into that here, I have deep respect for those who find joy and comfort in religion–for others perhaps this would be a toxic relationship or habit), to nurture my creativity, to find areas of my life where I can be successful, even in tiny ways, to to notice the defeatist thoughts that are draining me when they are still small and refuse them safe harbor in my mind, before they become huge black-hole things that suck me into darkness.

You are aware of your options I’m sure, having been in this space before. I’m just here to tell you you are not alone in feeling this way, and I am sure that many more women have felt this way than are willing to admit it for fear of being thought of as “crazy.” Remember your own words

This will pass. Today will be hard. Tomorrow will be easier.

Notice I left out the negative stuff. The layers don’t have to build up until you can’t take them anymore. The crack doesn’t have to widen. You are strong. You are aware. You’ve pulled yourself up before, and you are capable of asking for help if you find yourself unable to pull yourself out of it this time. Don’t focus on the future or the past when you are in a mind-state like this. Focus on now. What can you do now? Do something kind for yourself right now, no matter how stupid or pointless it feels. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are strong. Drink a glass of water. Do 10 jumping jacks.

You may not believe in yourself right now, but having been there before, I believe in you. You are loved, whether you believe you are or not, whether you believe you deserve it or not. Your happiness is worth the effort it will take to climb yourself out of this. Asking for help if you need it means you are smart, not that you’re weak. And when you do get out of this pit, you will be stronger and wiser.

Believe that you are Divine.

Believe that you have Infinite Worth.

Believe that your Creator loves YOU Unconditionally.

Believe that all your trials will work for your GOOD.

Believe that you can Forgive Yourself and let go.

Believe that you can Feel Peace.

Even if you start by only wanting to believe… let that work in you until you DO believe.

FAITH is BELIEVING in things Unseen that are true.

There is Power in Faith.

Power to Overcome heartache, despair, and sorrow.

And to see the TRUTH.

The TRUTH is that you are of INFINITE WORTH.

The TRUTH is your POTENTIAL is UNLIMITED.

The TRUTH is, you Can do Hard Things. You CAN overcome this.

I have learned this for myself.

Be Strong. Be Brave. Let it go.

~Margene

I just want to give you a hug.

You are a great mum, and wife!!!

***hugs for you***

Debra, sweetheart, you know I love you and think you’re wonderful and there are too many people in this world who care about you for you to waste your time thinking these thoughts. It’s not worth it…

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Debra ~ Getting healthy from the inside out.

The Starting Line

November 2, 2009 Weight: 202.6 lbs BMI 37.28

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