Finally Getting Fit

What will the day bring

Posted on: December 10, 2009

So last night I was not feeling well to say the least.  I was feeling a bit betrayed and I really hate when people make assumptions about what I’m feeling or what I’m thinking. I really hate it when people tell me how I’m supposed to feel and that what I’m feeling is stupid, dumb, not right, or wrong. Maybe it is. But that doesn’t change the fact that at that moment, that is my feeling and I have the right to have it and listening to someone tell me that it’s wrong or stupid is not going to make it go away.  Believe it or not but when you tell me something I’m going to take those words at face value in the context of the conversation. I don’t go looking for ways to twist shit up and make it something it’s not. I know that I am NOT mentally well enough to do that kind of damn drama.

So often I feel that the people around me love me only when I’m doing something for them. Is that because I never do? Is it because I spend too much time doing for myself? Am I supposed to do everything for everyone when they ask and shove myself under the rug? Don’t get me wrong. I like doing things. But I like doing things WITH not FOR. Doing things FOR ends up me doing scut work or busy work or tedious work and everyone else doing something fun and then I get not even a “wow mom thanks” or “hey thanks for doing …”  or “that looks nice.” I care not for feeling like someone’s maid or house staff.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. Am I missing some integral part of my female genetics? Did I miss out on the June Cleaver sequence?  I know I’m not right. Hell, most of the time I don’t even LIKE myself.  I just don’t know how to fix me.

On the exercise side of today: I got dressed to go out on the road for day 2 of the Couch to 5K plan and the wind was ferociously cold.  Now I’m a southern girl. Sunshine runs through my veins.  Trying to walk/run with the wind coming at me from the north in “feels like” 40 degree weather is something I just couldn’t do. If I had something covering my face then I might could have. What do the people in the frigid frozen north do?  So I came inside and did my 20 minutes on the elliptical and then some stretching. Something is better than nothing and there will be another day that I can hit the road.

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